Half of life is waiting. We all know it. We all have to deal with it. Every day again. We wait for the sun to rise, the rain to fall, the winds to blow. We wait for our pay check to get in. We wait for life to get better, or to begin. We wait and wait. And sometimes it seems all we ever do is waiting. As if the waiting never really stops. The thing we are waiting for, never comes.

So, what am I waiting for? I am waiting to hear a ‘yes’ about me moving to Finland. I am waiting for fall to turn into winter. I am waiting for that one e-mail that will tell me, my book will get published. I am waiting to become good at playing the guitar. I am waiting to sail the seven seas. I am waiting to make new friends. I am waiting to meet again with old friends and enjoy being with them.

I am also waiting for life as I know it, to end. I am waiting to say goodbye to family and friends. I am waiting to cross over, into a new part of life. I am waiting for God to keep surprising me (which He will!) and for life to unfold before me.

The waiting gets a bit old.
I feel a bit odd, most of the time.
The question: ‘Are you moving there for the love of your life?’ has become annoyingly funny to answer.

But I know that soon enough, the waiting will be over.
And I guess the best thing I can do, is enjoy the waiting.
As not waiting anymore, means I have said goodbye to a lot of great people.
And that is something I am not looking forward to.

But hey! As soon as I said ‘goodbye’ I can wait again for a new ‘hello.’
Yes, half of life is waiting. But it’s worth it.

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There are things you know and have always known to be true about yourself. One of those things for me, is that I wasn’t meant to live in the same country for the rest of my life. I can’t remember a particular moment in which I realized this, probably because there has never been a moment like that. It’s just part of who I am, as it has always been.

Right now I am finding myself at a crossroad. In a few months time I will move to Finland. With that my life will change in various many ways. I will live in another culture, learn a new language, get used to other temperatures … And you know what? I am suddenly not so sure what I am getting myself into. Why again am I going to do this ? Why did I take this decision?

This is the life I choose. This is what I was created for. What I dream about. Not even just that. I am sure God is leading me in this process. I am sure it is what He wants for me. So why do I look at life and consider staying right where I am, instead of moving forward?

Because I am afraid. It’s scary. I am new to this. I have dreamed of living this way, but have never actually lived like this. At times I long for a manual. A book I can open and find all the answers I need in. Like : What is the best way to learn a new language? How will I do this new job I have never done before? Am I really going to be able to cope with the short, dark, cold days that come with a real Finnish winter? How much stuff do I bring and what do I leave at home?

Questions. Doubts. I am secure in being insecure about this.

One thing I know. God is there. He is here with me now. He has been with me in the past. He is already there, in my future. And even though I don’t have a manual that gives me the answers, I have a Father that guides me and leads me, every second of every day. And if He is not worried, then I don’t need to worry either.

Even if I am never sure that the changes that will come with living life this way, will ever get easier, I am sure He never changes. And in that, I find peace.

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poverty is fun

Long before I became a Christian I had a strong relationship with justice and an even stronger hate against injustice. Many times I talked about starving children in Africa and no one needed to tell me about them. They already were part of me. This is me as a five-year old. Not me as a grown up. This is me being mocked over the stories my family heard me tell hundreds of times and grew sick of easily. This is me having no clue about why they did not understand.

I have good news. I grew up. And as I grew up the stories of the children in Africa have changed. The stories of not just them, but children all over the world have changed. Today I am not a five-year old telling my mother that I don’t need a Christmas dinner, as many kids don’t even have drinking water. No. Today I can say that I will eat my food. For a lot of kids who use to starve, are now having access to drinking water and healthy food. Many more kids than a generation ago are attending school. Poverty is becoming less ‘normal’. Darkness has been strong. But we are pushing it away.

The truth is. In the western world of today we have all the resources we need to put an end to extreme poverty. God has given us everything we need to stop it. He has given us the time, the money, the knowledge. He has given us the opportunity. And I am pretty sure that He is looking at us the way I use to look at my family. Why don’t you understand? How come I have given you everything you need and I am now looking at you, asking me for more?

~God, if only I get a better job, I will give away this and this amount of money.
~God if you bless me financially/physically/ if you bring me my future wife or husband, I will go and bring in some support to help other people.
~God if…

I get it. I know it all. And I still struggle to do more than I do. To do everything I should. The truth is this:
You can never live in the future, only in the now. You can never relive the past either, all there really is, is the now. Let go, start living. Don’t think about doing things in the future, as soon as you are in tomorrow, it has become today. As soon as you have reached the future, it has become the now. Live now.

Whether or not you have done a lot to put an end to poverty, you can do it now. You can start by educating yourself about what is happening around the world. Go and see what is happening in your own city and neighbourhood. Talk to people in your church and ask them what they are doing and where you can help out. We are already working hard to put an end to it. How cool will it be that you can tell your children that you personally helped making sure extreme poverty has become history?

P.S. Make this a fun thing. Invite your friends over and share a fair trade meal. Organize a film night with fair trade food. Get a bunch of friends together to sponsor a child through compassion. Make it a battle to find the coolest fair trade t-shirt. Show every grown up, oh so wise person, that we, young people are a lot more than some lazy kids with no real dreams and no real goals. We can make the difference. And stop extreme poverty. NOW.

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It’s a new song:-)


My eyes cry dry tears
Again, here I am
In the same place where I found myself, so many times before
What is faith? What is an illusion? Where is the border between the two?

I believe, oh I believe
You, are always amazing
But when am I supposed to take a step back and be realistic?
And when is it good to keep going, whatever anyone says, to just stick?

God! God! Father..
My heart cries out with desperate sobs
Help me out, hear me now
I need to see You again
You need to become reality again

Yes.. my eyes cry dry tears
Oh again, again, again here I am
In the same old place that You and I visited so many, many times
What is faith? Tell me, please, what is an illusion?

Be my rock, my salvation
Be my shelter in times of desperation
Be my hope, my love, my friend
Be my beginning and my end
Be my.. Father

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Move on

Life is a journey in itself. The smaller journeys we make during our lifetime, are life-changing. Back in ‘home for now’ I try to write down what has happened these past 6 weeks and I realize I can’t. God is great. Awesome. Taking my breath away. Every.time.again. Too great for words. But for those eager to read something, I will post some words I wrote down about a week ago. (And I promise to at least make an attempt at writing about some of the great things God has done in the past few weeks, later.)

Move on
The train is moving in a fast pace, running through changing landscapes. Magnificent moments pass and my heart takes a deep breath. ‘So much kindness, after so much unkindness’ a quote from Life of a geisha enters my mind like a soft whisper. It’s true, I am living in a time, drinking deep from kindness, undeserved, after a time of deep darkness.

In dreamy seconds I imagine how my friends are living their own lives in this very same moment. Friends whom I have known years, months or only just a few days now. Impressive people I have laughed and cried with. We have danced on the wings of joy and cried in deep despair. The journey continues as the train speeds forward and a genuine smile lights up my soul. It is again time to move, into yet another new place. Spending days with other people. Sweet sadness lies upon the breath-taking landscape I call life. Everyday again I meet new legends and heroes. At the same time I also have to miss out on being in the presence of other legends and heroes every.day.again. In times past I felt it impossible to let go and move on. Telling myself it hurts to have to say goodbye too much.
Thanks to God I have learned a few things in this life. And so now I know that if I don’t allow myself to go into tomorrow, I will miss out on all the goodness of the future. Every person is a blessing. Each one a privilege to meet.

A sigh escapes from my lips. I have a really great life. I so do. Wow!
Thank You God, You are the creator of it all 🙂

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Girl in the polka dot dress

The day I will get married, there will be an empty seat
The day my babies will be born, there is one person they won’t meet
With every step that I take, it will be one further away
From the life that we once shared

I just can’t, I really can’t wrap my head around the fact
That however old I grow, you will always remain a little girl
I sit with God and tell Him to please stop the time for a while
Only so that I won’t feel so lost in moving away from sharing life with you

He opens His arms to comfort me, He helps me to accept and see
That if I just hold on, I don’t grow further away, but closer to
That one day, where we will meet again

I dance, my feet only slightly touch the ground
I cry, it feels like there is only darkness around
I smile and burst out in laughter
I yell in anger : “Why didn’t You just heal her?!”

I just can’t, I really can’t wrap my head around the fact
That however old I grow, you will always remain a little girl
A cute, lovely, wonderful little, grown up girl

In a polka dot dress

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Two years ago, on July 13th, my cousin moved to heaven. She would have told me it was wrong to write that she died then, so I will not write that. To her, the ending of her life on earth, meant moving to heaven, as a student goes to college and then starts to live in a dorm, she now went to live with God. That is how she viewed it herself. When we buried her, we held a ‘move’ service. It’s safe to say she was a believer. A real one. At age 11, she knew exactly where she was going when she would draw her last breath. And if we are honest, a lot of people who have aged a lot more than her have no clue as to where they will go at the end of this life.

When we gathered together with the family tonight to remember her, I was again reminded of something that started in my heart years ago. This girl was an example for so many. Her life had impact. It still has.

A few years back I was thinking about worship and how it could be different, more real. To me, worship in church seemed so… well I don’t know… polished? Polished might be the best word to describe it,yes. Now it is good to practice songs and kind of have an idea as to what you will go and sing. But always keeping tight to the schedule and freaking out as soon as one note is sung different then in practice goes too far. To be real honest, I am sick of people on a stage. Sick of the so-called ‘worship leaders’ whom everyone should look up to. The arrogance that goes hand in hand with the position just makes me walk out of service. I am sorry if I offend you, but it just does.

Worship is not supposed to be polished. It is not supposed to sound perfect, or go exactly like the schedule says. It is not just for people who know how to sing and never go off-key. It is not for the ones who are amazingly incredible on the stage. Seriously? None of us really are. We are all just people. And people sin. We need grace and mercy and love. We can’t go one hour, ONE HOUR, without sinning. So we can make everything look polished, as soon as you go one layer deeper, you will see nothing is really polished at all.

But, before this becomes one long negative story, let’s move on to what I am trying to say:)

My cousin worships God. She did it on earth, she now does it in the best place ever, IN His presence! And like her, there are many more kids and teenagers. Kids and teenagers with voices, rarely heard. Kids and teenagers with stories, rarely sung about. It’s still the truth that in the church of today kids are not appreciated enough. We have separate programs for them. We put them aside in other rooms and/or buildings, so they won’t make too much noise during our church services. While Jesus invited kids, we tell them to leave. And really, we are the ones who miss out.

Years back I already thought of this. And throughout the years God has reminded me of it. But tonight I decided this is what I want. I want to worship with kids. Let their voices go before and lead worship. Let us worship Him in their words, with their songs. I am sure if we give them space and tell them we believe in them, we will be overwhelmed by how strongly God works through them. Churches will be empty. They will worship. People who consider themselves Holy will sit down and weep in worship that is being led by 6 and 7-year-old children. How wonderful will it be! The voices He created, of the kids He loves so deeply and fiercely, hearing them in all freedom just simply worshipping Him!

One example of the wisdom God puts in children and then I will call it a day. A while ago I was talking with my then 6 year old brother. Hearing what he had to say made me  astonished and speechless and to get me speechless well… it doesn’t really happen;)
We are sitting in my room and I am working on my computer. Behind me in a big fluffy chair he is reading something. Suddenly I hear his voice say: ‘Do you know about Rick, who is in my class at school?’ I turn around and tell him that I don’t. He then goes on and tells me this : ‘Well, the other day Steve and I were talking to him and Rick told us that he does not believe in God. Rick’s dad does not believe and so Rick does not believe either. Pretty weird don’t you think? Because well.. Rick doesn’t believe in himself then. ‘cuz God has made us and if you don’t believe God exists, then you don’t believe you exist yourself either, right?’

You can imagine it took me a while to respond to that;)

P.S. The guys names are not Rick and Steve.

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