I was just watching ‘eat, pray,love’ and suddenly realized something. There is a scene in which she is in Italy in an old building. And she sits down and thinks about things, trying to figure life out. It occurred to me that the place she was sitting in was so dark. And I just knew that I have done exactly what she does right there.
Hiding myself away. Putting myself in the dungeons, in the basements of dark buildings. Alone. Telling myself it is comfortable and nice. Telling the world that I like being right there, thinking, trying to make sense of life.
For so long I have put myself down. I have been hiding myself away. Thinking I do not deserve to be with other people. I do not deserve to be loved. To be cherished. And taken care of.
And in all of that I have tried to find the right explanation for myself. Saying that I am more of a loner. That I am not much of a outdoor-person. That sports are not my thing. Big groups of people not either. I am better at working by myself. Not disturbed by others.
It is a lie.
I love being outside. I love fresh air and the smell of flowers. I love how the grass smells right before a thunderstorm, or right after it has rained. I love all the different shades of green. I love to walk and not have to do anything else then just be. I love to go running. I love to spend time with God outdoors. I love all of it.
I love people. I love meeting new people. I love asking questions and really getting to know people. My heart dances when I spent quality time with one person or a group of people. I ABSOLUTELY love to talk and listen. I love it when I see that God is using me to be a blessing to someone. The way it feels when He touches my heart to say just that one thing. The way it looks when that is exactly the one little thing that person needed to hear today.
I love marriage. It’s not just a dream. I want to learn to love and respect my husband. I want to know everything about him. And then surprise him with the right gift. Tell him how great he is. Build him up. Stand next to him in everything. Be his helper. Listen to him. Pray for him. Cook all his favourite food for him. Serve him every single day.
I love travelling. I am not made for just this country. I know my own heart. In it I have a part that finds it so great to learn about new cultures, people, languages and knows how to adjust easily. That is a gift. No one else but God has put it in there. I long to see places. I long to live in other countries with my husband.
I love kids. Adopted. HIV positive. Kids with aids. Orphans. Sick kids. Disabled ones. I want to be a mum to them. I hope God will grant me the privilege to be a mother to a few kids who will otherwise never know what it is like to be home and be part of a family.
I want to not have a career. I don’t want to be rich. I want to be a real wife and a real mum. Have God, husband, kids. And devote my life to all of them.
Yes I love justice. Yes I want to make a difference. But those three come first. God will lead me, He does. I just really pray that He will help me to be a better servant towards Him, to learn how to really respect and love my husband and how to take care of the kids in the very best way.
That is the truth.