This afternoon I was just sitting on a chair. Not doing anything in particular. For the record, that is something quite different then doing nothing. I am almost certain I am not capable of doing nothing, as my mind is constantly busy entertaining thoughts. Not doing anything in particular though, is, for me, very relaxing. And those moments are necessary.
Before I go into how necessary those moments are, I will get back to me sitting on a chair.
Here I am not doing anything in particular and it suddenly dawns on me.
Am I afraid of settling down? I have to laugh. Seriously, have I been pushing this away for a long time and not confront myself with this? Or is it just not true?
Now that I sit here and type this down, I will just go and count the amount of times I have moved in the past four years. Let’s see… 1,2,4,6.. yes 7 times. And I am considering a next move within three or four months. So, that is 8 moves within four years. An average of living in the same place no longer than six months at the time. Is that a lot? Or the opposite?
Does this mean I am in trouble? Mmm.. In a lot of those places I have lived eager to move again. Not unpacking just so moving again would be easier. Not purchasing too much new things, so I didn’t need another box to put it in. And where I currently live I have made the time to go through all my stuff so I could get rid of a lot. Again, to make moving easier.
Will it be easy to go? Yes and no. I love where I am at. I will miss people and surroundings. With my next move being one to another country, I will miss my culture and language.
But as soon as God says that one word, I will go. I might shed tears. I might cry a river full of tears. But I will go. I will pack my things and leave. And other than that I will miss my family and friends I will find it easy to let go and move on.
Then I remember something a wise woman once told me. She and I ‘happened’ to sit next to each other in a plane. A nice British woman with her husband next to her on the other side. Only a few minutes into the conversation she spontaneously started I found that she had lived in more than fifteen different countries. I honestly do not remember the amount of villages and cities that she lived in anymore. Let’s just keep it to: a LOT. My eyes must have shone brightly after hearing about such a wonderfully adventurous life, for she was quick to tell me about the downside of it all. She now lived in the UK for almost two years.
‘But’ she said:’I am restless and can’t wait to leave and move again.’ Genuinely she told me not to live the way she did. For this life was great, but she had lost the ability to live somewhere and just settle down.
Just settle down. I knew it then. And I realize it again now. I have the same problem as that woman. I just love the good parts too much. I will not stop and force myself too. My heart is not created for just one place. Actually it is not created for any place on this earth. I am not afraid of settling down. I just simply refuse to. There is one place I long to be in. And I will keep moving until I have reached it.