For a while I have tried to write a post here, but so far haven’t succeeded. I love to write and I love to show pieces of my heart in here. Still, reading back I can see that my posts are just small pieces ripped out of life, giving a sad image of me. In my poetry death and pain is a bigger subject then joy and laughter. Yet I love life and dearly love to laugh. The reason is that in every nice and good situation you can easily find a song, poem, movie or book that will agree with what you are going through and feeling. When it comes to the more sad and painful parts of life however, it’s sometimes really hard to find a place of comfort and understanding. This life is great and hard. It’s fantastic and tough. I’d much rather contribute to bringing comfort to people who are hurting then to the ones that are feeling perfectly happy. As a matter of fact, happy people don’t need comfort.
As I try to be real here and not tell anyone life is better or worse than it is, I have to also admit something else. I am a child of God. I am His daughter. In whatever I do, wherever I am, I am first and foremost His beloved daughter.
I am not afraid to tell, or show it. I’d just rather live it, then speak it. But sometimes we have to tell the truth and say, I am a Christian. Do you have questions? Ask them. Were you hurt by someone who calls him or herself a Christian too? I am sorry. You may yell at me and tell me all about it. Maybe you will find comfort in it. Hopefully it will help you to let go.
The fact is. I mess up. I am a Christian. And I mess up. Just as much as everyone else. Two days ago I saw a homeless man on the street and I did not go to him to have a little chat, or give him some money, or even just smile at him. I kept walking, afraid those two minutes would make me be late at work. He was right there. It took me a lot to walk past him in a way that he would be sure I didn’t notice him. It would have taken me a lot less to just say ‘hi’. Why?
Because no Christian is better than anyone else. We should know better. And we do know better a lot of times. As in, we have enough knowledge to know better. But that really doesn’t mean that we live better lives. That we love better. Care more. Help out more. It doesn’t.
And I am sorry. I am aware of the fact that we hurt a lot of people. We call ourselves Christians and we act like we are a better kind of human beings because of it. We get into a group of Christians and sit together, never looking at anyone else anymore. We serve and we share, we love and we care, but only the people we call our friends. We don’t stand up for someone who doesn’t believe the same thing as we do. We walk past a hurting woman or man and all we think about is that it’s so awesome that we are not like that anymore.
But we forgot where we came from.
Seven years ago I was lonely and hurting. I was broken and depressed. My life did not make any sense. I felt useless, stupid, ugly, fat, worthless. I was sure no one loved me. No one wanted to care for me. The entire world was one big black and scary place. I had no reason to live. I was sure of nothing. Accept for one thing. God does not exist. For if He does, why is life like this?
Then everything changed because He showed me that He does exist. Not through another person. He didn’t bring a bright light and didn’t make a lot of noise. No, He was very kind and gentle and He spoke to me, in my thoughts. And that’s when I first knew He does exist.
Ever since then life has become better and better. The darkness I lived in was slowly removed, little pieces at a time. And now I am here. Happy. Smiling. Loving life. I have a future. But I am selfish. For I got a second chance at life. And I am keeping it all to myself. I don’t care, not really, about other girls and women and men who walk through this life, the same way I did back then.
I just want to say. I am sorry. I am sorry I am not living the way I should. I am sorry I am not telling you about the truth. That you are loved and cared for and that there is a loving God, waiting for you to spend your life with Him. I am sorry I am so selfish I only care for my own happiness.
And I know I will never be perfect, but from this day on, I will try harder.
For you deserve a chance at life to. And a smile upon your face and in your heart.